New year

 Another new year without you

So as we see in 2021, me and Ben look back on how far we have come in the last two years, mainly but also 4years we been together. Summery of this time last year and the year before.

2018-2019 - we had not long lost Nico, we were in bits and broken hearted. We didn't want to go into a new year knowing he was not coming with us. We decided last minute to get away, so we went to Spain for new years. It gave us a chance to just spend time just us, talking and grieve for you. To get away from other stresses of life. It really helped me and Ben just re evaluate and start the new year with hope as well as loss for you. But to look forward and take your memory and spirt with us. As we stood on the beach in Spain, writing your name nico in the sand, we sent a bottle message out to sea for you and watched the fireworks knowing you was there with us. Counting down with a Spanish tradition of luck by eating grape and drinking cava, to see in 2019. 

After that we had a hard long year again but it also brought us our amazing rainbow miracle. The birth of our second child. Our daughter. She brought so much hope, joy and happiness along with sadness of what could have been with our son. But she had his heart and soul we could tell. She was blessed by him and arrived safely after a difficult pregnancy of worry and fear. Early too but health and strong.

2019-2020. We saw in the year with family around, celebrated yet another hard year but this time with our rainbow. As we let off fireworks, cheered and was thankful. We remembered those we lost and loved ones we missed.

2020 brought on it's own challenges with having my surgery, having a young baby. Who had allergies, reflux and was very poorly ending up in hospital alot. Then with a damp flat mmeaning we had to move earlier and find a new job, house and ariyah still being very young. We moved out of London to Kent which was the best thing we did.

Then came the covid pandemic, a deadly virus which spread the whole world. We were all put in lockdown having to stay in doors. Shops, schools, everything closed. We were not allowed to see family and it was months of restrictions. Then as the summer came the number of cases dropped meaning we had a bit of freedom. We were able to get out see a few people, but social distanced, wearing masks everywhere. But we made ariyah first year memorable. As winter came yet again covid got worse so more restriction and thing were closed ones again.

We celebrated ariyah first birthday. With a small number of people but luckily we got to do that. Before lockdown happened ones more. 

Christmas and new year this year just me, Ben and ariyah alone. As restriction of lockdown meant we could not see anyone yet again. We had a close bubble a friend and her son, luckily who we could socialise and met with a few times. 

2020-2021. Sat on the sofa watching the empty streets of London on the TV as they did a live countdown and fireworks still. Looking back over the year being thankful for what we have, people we did get to see and the things we still got to do. Having the house, ariyah and me and Ben being so strong. Looking to the future with hope ones more for good things to come.

Happy New year everyone, I hope you all stay safe, be thankful and together we will fight covid, we will create a new life, of normality and a future for the next generation to be proud of. 

Heavenly 2nd birthday.

 Happy birthday baby boy. 

A little late post, my apologies had lots to process and then just things happen this week. 

On Saturday 29th August 2020 is a sad but special day. Our first born should be 2. He should be runny around with his little sister playing but instead we spending balloons up to him. He is missing from his own day, our family and day to day life. They say it get better with time but that's not true! While yes on a day to day basis it may be a little easier to manage however it gets harder. The more they are not with you you long to be back to when we had him in our arms to cuddle. Just to be able to spend another second holding him. As the longer it hasbeen, it becomes a memory not a reality like it was in the early days. 

Then there be days like this, birthday, Christmas, milestones that are even harder. As he should be starting nursery, with all the new started this September, but we will never get that moment taking the first day photo in their uniform, crying as we leave him at the gates. Then next year when it's ariyah turn yes we get this with her and it will be a wonderful moment but saden by the fact we should have done it with Nico. 

As ariyah gets bigger, talking taking first steps that in itself is hard too. It amazing watching her grow and very treasuring at the time. Whilst later that night when I can't sleep I think of him. All the what/would questions. 

Would he look like her, what we they be like together, would he have all the reflux and allergies like her. Would he be talking and walking, what would his smile look like, what his personality be like, would he be cheeky like his sister. 

Lots more....... 

I don't think I really got time to grieve for Nico which has built but and I'm now really struggling with. At the beginning I had to be strong for Ben. He needed me! Then there was the excitement of being pregnant again. But again I had to put Ben and our rainbow first. Caring for him making sure he was resting, eayin ect.... With the difficult scary pregnancy, Ben on bestest me working extra hours to save money. It was no time to stop and think. I felt guilty because for slot of the pregnancy I didn't think about Nico. I had to stay hopefully and positive for our new arrival.

Then ariyah was born, anyone who had a baby will know those early days your exhausted, busy, overwhelmed and again can not think of anything other then that baby. So I think it's only really hitting me that I have not process Nico's death, I haven't grieved. I feel now is to late, how do I even beginning to process and grieve when it was 2 years ago. I want to celebrate his life which we do. We always take about him, we tell ariyah and others about him all the time. He is our baby. We have two children and ariyah has a brother. That will never change we will always keep his memory and life going. 

But I do need to really process and heal. Lucky I have my husband and he can support me as I supported him, we can help and heal together. 

Despite all this we had a lovely day on Saturday as best we could. We had our donor come from London to spend the day remembering him. He went for a walk talked about Nico and Ariyah-mai. How we thankful for the donor becoming apart of our family and blessing us with these two children. After we met some other friends for lunch with there babies, one of which is a rainbow too. It was nice to be out distracted but also be about to talk about Nico is a support safe place. Later we all went back to ours to write him a note, which we attached to balloons and let them go. We blow bubbles for the babies for him. I hope you got them and loved them baby. That you were with us and parting up there with your family too. 

That nice me and Ben had a look through his stuff, talked about him. We had named a star in his name to remember him and always know there a star up there for him that we can show Ariyah and point out as she gets older.we have a map to show us were it is located in the sky. Shine bright our angel star. 

We also did a little photo shoot with Ariyah and her brother's ashes and photo. With some of his stuff. She brought him a brother candle with a cute message on. 

Message for Nico.

I miss you every second of every day, you are always in my heart and my thoughts.  I see you in the little things, the butterflies that dance in the garden, the flickers of light, as a feather falls in front of me I know you are around. 

I see you face in my dreams as you grow to be angel boy, flying high but growing strong. I hear your voice and whisper in the night. As I watch your sister play I see you sitting there. Causing trouble together as I sure you engage her cheekiness. I image you cuddled and talk to you to watch over her, to cuddle her tight as I lay her down to sleep each night. 

Believe me although I've not grieved, I will never forget you as I do to start and learn to process that although you may not be here physical you are in spirt. I know a piece of your heart and soul in within us all, especial our rainbow. That special miracle you sent to us the month you were meant to arrive, then be born the day of your funeral, the day we said our final goodbyes would another hello, another life beautiful brought into this world. In honour of you! So thank you. You are very bless and grateful. Tho time have been hard and difficult more so right now. I believe with your guidance and strength things will all work out. We be strong and make you proud I promise as long as your always around. I spend you my love with my whole being, kisses my sweet boy daddies love you forever. As does your sister.  

Here are the photos of the day. 

2 years ago we became daddies.

It's been 2 years.

So two years ago our lives changed massively. We saw those words pregnant, 7 times in fact. We could noot believe it and had to take so many tests to be sure. It was our firsst donation, therefore did not expect it to take first time. But after a dream and then the cat being protective over Ben's when I gave him a hug we just knew to take a test and our dreams come true.

As you can guess Ariyah-mai's is only 7 months so I talking about the first time we became dad's, to our angel son Nico. On the 3rd June 2018. Was when we found our we were pregnant for the first time. We were so excited and nervous. But so over joyed until 4 months later that all got taken away.

For those who have not followed our jounery to fatherhood from the begining wee sadly lost our son 16 weeks into the pregnancy. This was due to a bacterial infection that got caused premiture rupture of the membrane. You can go to my other blog and read all about our son and what we went through.
https://twotransdaddies.blogspot.com/?m=1&zx=3ffcb31448627d86

It was the worst pain and heartbreak any parents could experience. Ever since those words we have always been dad's, even if our first baby lives in heaven. However now he is always in our hearts and wee can celebrate his life. We get to see his spirt within our daughter everyday. As well as  having an amazing second chance to be dad's.

Two years on and we have our amazing daughter and little sister too Nico. He would be proud of her and us. We did a photo shoot to honor his memory with Ariyah so as she grows we can tell her all about her big brother who guides her. We already show her photos aand talk. About him. She will grow knowing she is our miracle our rainbow. That she is not a replacement but an addition to our unquic and colourful family. With two daddies, an angel and her Along with our biological family and Our friends and LGBT+ who have become family. (don't forget all cats and the animals in the family)

Baby boy your daddies wanted you and love you so much, we miss you everyday. You are missed by many others and also in our hearts, thoughts and the spirt of you baby sister. Please guide and watch out for her. We love you x

Our photo shoot. 

Nico's first anniversary.

Our Angels first heavenly birthday.

Trigger warning:

• Talking about losing a baby, Misscarriage.
• Mental health 
• Death
• Photo of our son at 16 weeks. 

In memory of our son.Nico Joyce Lewis-Evans 

It is a year today that our son Nico Joyce became an angel on the 29/08/18, the day our hearts broke and a piece of our souls went with him. I wanted to just share about how we lost him and why it happened. Mainly to celebrate and share his memory but also to highlight the importance of awareness. Miscarriage and stillbirths are very common and not really spoken about because of this negative stigma. Lets break it, speak out about your story and journey lets not forget those precious babies that where too perfect for this world and lost too soon. 

I know on my last blog about Nico. I wrote about what happened on that day but did not go into detail about the postmortem or what happen after his death. I will discuss this, to spread awareness about infections and incontinent cervix in pregnancy. That it is common to get infections, mostly they are easily treatable if, it is detected early. Thus I will talk about how to get checked and support that is out there before, anymore babies have to be lost because people do not realise what to do. 

It has been a rough year, we are both doing better emotionally and now able to talk about Nico more, and to celebrate his life. However grief never goes away, you do not just get over it. Despite being told my many people including family that we can just have another baby, that it will be fine and to just move on. No we can not just replace our child! We can try again when we are both ready but it is not as simple as just having another baby. We need to be mentally as well as physically ready. Yes we are having another baby after a year but it took a lot of time and grieving and anxieties to try again. We wanted to add to our family, by no means replacing Nico in any way. 

This type of grief especially is a difficult one that stays with you forever, like there is a whole inside that will never be filled. It does get easier to a degree, being able to manage day to day. While living in this shadow waiting for the next thing to go wrong. There is some harder days when everything reminds you of the loss or when we are going about the day then a shock hits and your taken right back to that day he passed. It feels like walking into a wall, there is a wave that sinks your heart, a pain I can not describe. Sometimes this can be trigger by a memory, hearing his name, watching or reading about others losing a baby or it can just happen out of nowhere for no reason. 

That being said we have come a long way in this year. When we first had Nico, I honestly did not know how to feel. I was numb and lost. Ben was so depressed, lost and broken, I hated watching him in pain knowing there was nothing I could do. I just concentrated on looking after him and doing all I could to ensure he was safe. I really struggled as everyday I was terrified I would loss him too. He was at breaking point, not only physically with losing so much blood, being rushed into theatre and having a blood transfusion, but also mentally he really had given up. 

However hard as it was we had each other and I am thankful for that, as well as support we got from friends. Ben and my relationship did get effected a little, as I keep myself busy and throw my energy into work. where as Ben pushed me, well everyone away and got distant. Despite this we are so strong and had gone through a lot already so we were not going to let this break us. In the long run we were able to really connected and it made us stronger. Losing a child can either break or bring people together. Nico certainly brought us closer and gave me and Ben a connection which will never be broken. We will always have him keeping us strong. 

After a few more months, we got his postmortem back and had his funeral to finally put our son to rest helped. We were then able to grieve for him, as well as look to the future. We will never replace him nor forget him. while we still wanted to try again, adding another baby to our already unique family. Nico will always be our first born, our son and a big brother. 

After the postmortem and the new year we planned to try again as we knew that Ben was able to have another baby. We found out it was nothing to do with him or anything we did wrong. In fact it was a very common infection that could have been prevented, if only the doctors had listen to us weeks before, when Ben was ill. However we had no knowledge of this infection which was Bacteria Vaginosis (BV). It is not regularly checked for in pregnancy and can be harmful when not detected or treated. While with a simple swab test and antibiotics it is treatable and easily avoided. The specialist told us that there is a low chance to get the infection again in a future pregnancy and if we do we can be treated early and monitored, that it is very unlikely to have another miscarriage. 

We are happy to announce we are excepting 7 months after losing Nico. He gave us this rainbow of hope, his younger sibling. we are now 28 weeks along. I did start a new blog so please head over to read this one about our rainbow baby.  https://transdadstoarainbow.blogspot.com/?zx=ea52a87601e3871a

Due to being high risk we had more tests in this pregnancy. Which gave us even more knowledge into why we lost Nico from such a harmless common infection. I will explain what BV is and how it is test for and treated, then why it can be harmful to the baby, in-conjunction with having a short cervix. I will talk about how these two things are linked, even though not many professional will make this connection. We are just so thankful that we had an amazing team and a specialist who was able to support us. 

What is BV? 
Bacteria Vaginosis is an infection in the vagina, that is caused by a bacterial imbalance. This happens when you do not have enough Lactobacilli, referred to as friendly bacteria. This is acidic and prevents unwanted bad bacteria to grow however when someone has BV the bad bacteria then grows because of the lack of Lactobacilli. Pregnancy makes this more common because of changes in hormones. BV can cause an increase in discharge but does not really present any symptoms. Also it is quiet common to have increased discharge, therefore BV can go undected. 

BV is tested by a simple swab of the discharge in the vagina. Most people will only realise they have it when having swabs for something else, like thrush. If you do have any grey yellow discharge that has an slight odor or your normal amount of discharge increases make sure you get checked. Especially in pregnancy, do not assume it is just normal pregnancy symptoms it could be but there no harm to get tested if you are worried. It is not a routine check during pregnancy however I think it should be. BV is unlikely to effect pregnancy and as I stated it is very common to get this in pregnancy. Although it can cause complications if left untreated or people are unaware they have it. these include:

• Going into labour early- preterm.
• Causing miscarriage or stillborn
• Having an infection in the womb after birth. 

A simple swab test and antibiotics can prevent this.

Nonetheless this was not the case for us. Ben had BV and it was not detected. He has no symptoms, no discharge, nothing. He was ill a few weeks up to us losing Nico however as I had a fever and chest infection. I was hospitalised on a drip due to being dehydrated and my asthma being effected. We had the ambulance out and kept going to the GP for Ben as he just knew something was not right. He was getting no sickness or pregnancy feelings but was ill and getting bad cramps. The doctors did not even take blood, swabs or test his urine. They just said he had a chest infection and it would not harm the baby. While we and the doctors assumed Ben had just caught my chest infection, now we believe it was his body fighting this infection. 

It was not until later at the Nico's postmortem that we found out Ben had BV. We were told that it is normally harmless without symptoms however this caused a E-coil bacteria to get up into his womb and was in the fluid surrounding the baby. Nico was swallowing this bacteria in the waters, which lead him to get pneumonia. This is an infection in the lungs causing coughing, fever, chills all the symptoms Ben displayed however it was the baby who had the illness. This caused Ben's waters to break at 16 weeks and we lost our baby. He was born at 16 weeks 3 days sleeping, he was an angel before birth.

Knowing this we made sure that in this pregnancy we got tested for BV, Ben got tested and treated after these postmortem results. Then again when we first got pregnant where he was all clear. At around 8 weeks he had a slight bleed and showed slight bacterial change on a swab test so was put on the antibiotics to do safe. Ben got tested a few times throughout the pregnancy to make sure it did not return even though we were reassured by our specialist that it was very unlikely to reoccur after treatment. 

Our specialist also order for cervical lengthening scans (I have spoken about this in previous post) but I have not explained fully why he got them. So in most cases BV does not effect pregnancy, people can have it and not know about it and it does not usually cause any harm. But it had got up into Ben's cervix and waters therefore our specialist made the connection that his cervix must have shorten to allow the spread of the infection up to the womb. He told us not many people realise this connection until they lose even more babies. This meant that despite he infection Ben cervix would have shorten and it could have still resulted in complications, with the loss of our baby. Realising this our specialist wanted to check Ben's cervix every 1-2 weeks from 14 weeks. The shortening or opening of the cervix pre-term, before 37 weeks is called inconstant cervix. I have discuss what IC this and why it posses risks, so please read previous posts, I will link them at the bottom. 

We did already have some knowledge about IC because Ben's cousin had it, we did join online groups and talking to others who had IC as well. We found that it was very common, lots of people had lost babies because of this or because of the infections that can be caused by it. 

Again IC it is not something that is routinely checked for in pregnancy and should be. There should be more awareness and tests in place to prevent the loss of babies. That someone could be checked and treated before having to go though the pain me, Ben and many others have experienced. To reduces the pain of grieving parents and save more lives. All with a simple scan, and swab. In regards to this as it is not checked for routinely we want to spared the awareness of making sure if you suspect something is not right, as you you know your body best. Even if you feel your annoying medical professionals just know your doing the right thing by getting checked. Even if there is nothing wrong but if there is, you can catch it early. If we knew more and got swabs done or Ben's cervix checked, maybe our son would still be alive. But we did not know about any of these complications. Now that we do know, we have fought for tests, checks and did anything we needed to make sure this baby is fine. Please follow you gut, make sure you stand up and get the care that we deserve. 

Thought out this pregnancy we have had worries and scares with infections early on, some spotting and also reduced movements. I have explained these in previous post but not really spoke about how that truly feels when you have had a previous loss. Everyone worries and has these scares in pregnancy however when you have had a miscarriage, stillborn or lost a child soon after birth, you worry even more. We were not able to bond with this baby or get excited until recently. Even when we got past 16, then 24 and now 28 weeks it does not get better. We will have this worry and fear until this baby is alive in our arms. Although we are getting nearer to the birth and in a safer gestation in terms of survival rates it still feels like a dream, like something is going to happen and take our happiness away all over again. Ben has vivid dreams that we lose rainbow as well. I have panics and days where I just can not shake that feeling that something is going to happen. This has got worse the nearer we get to Nico's anniversary. 

Everytime something happened, even if it was simple Ben getting a few pains we got this feeling which is hard to explain. Unless you have been in this situation it is hard to grasp. Where as if you sadly have, I am sure your will know, that feeling that just sinks in your stomach. It is like your going to either cry, scream or just faint, as someone is ripping your insides out. There is this real physical pain in your heart/chest. Then even when professionals reassures you, when we hear our baby's heartbeat or see them on a scan. While there is a wave of relief, this feeling deep down waiting for this bad thing to happen is all to real. Hoping with every fibre that it does not. 

If you have lost a baby or anyone close to you has know you are not alone, there is many different ways to grief but know that there is support professional or people in the same position to help you. It helped us a lot by joining Facebook support pages where we could talk to people who have gone though a loss. They understood giving us advice, reassurance or just listened. Seeking professional help like counselling can help too, however normally there is a long waiting lists and it is very standard therapy that does not work for everyone. We had to wait 6 months before being able to get specialist bereavement counselling from a midwives and although we did seek other bereavement counselling it was not specialised in loss due to stillborn or miscarriage. We did not follow it thought. It is because it was more standard grieving for losing someone in your life rather then a baby that we had planned for and wanted so much. 

There is a very different grieving process with various feelings in general when losing a baby. This grief is not any more or less then what someone may feel when losing another loved one, it is just different in ways I do not think I can really explain. Just the what if questions, why did this happened? Was it something we did? Could we have prevented it, if we pushed more? All the plans that we made together just ripped away. Then there are all the first, today for instance it has been a year. He should be one and celebrating his birthday here, not in heaven. Then the more hard days to come like when he would have first gone to school, gone to secondary, collage, uni even, got married had his own family. All those hopes and wishes that no longer existed, is one of the hardest things to process. Thinking everyday about what he would have looked like, what eye or hair colour he had, would he have Ben's green eyes and smile. What would his first word be or if he would take after us.

I know that there will be many hard days ahead but we want to cherish his memory, We will never let him be forgotten. We will tell our rainbow baby all about rainbows big brother who has given us the best gift; a chance to be daddies once more. Nico will be there to watch over and guide us all. He will forever be in our thoughts and hearts. 

Today we are celebrating his first birthday by going though his photo book and all his things in his box, spending time looking over his things and thinking of him. Remembering him with a candle light and balloon release, please we ask you to join us at 8 pm, light a candle and say a few words to our boy. Post them, share his name Nico Joyce Lewis-Evans. Tag us #twotransdads

Happy 1st birthday our angel son I hope you know we love and miss you loads. 

Referance:

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a25005923/bacterial-vaginosis-in-pregnancy

An Angel grow his wings

 Our First born.

So it's been 6 months and I feel it's the right time to finally talk about what happened.

we are dads of our perfect angel son Nico Joyce. Who was born sleeping at 16 weeks and 3 days on 29 of August 2018. It has been the hardest time of our life and having to be strong for Ben who has been really suffering has been very difficult.  

This is our story,

So me and my husband Ben are both trans men. My husband wanted to experience having a baby before he had surgery and was then unable to bear a child. Which meant we had to plan for a long time. He had to come off hormones for 8 months for all his cycles and hormones to settle in order to conceive. We then had to get a sperm donor. Lucky it only took us 2 months to fall pregnant.

All was going well, Ben had a lot of morning sickness but other then that the pregnancy was fine, the baby was healthy and growing well. On our 12 week scan they had a strong heart beat and was wiggling around. So we were so excited and happy. It was what we always dreamed about and planned for.

Then Ben and I were both a bit ill, with virtual infections. The doctors did nothing and said that the baby would not be affected by my husband being ill. He then was feeling better and went back to work. So we thought everything was fine.

However we had family call and he rushed home because his (cousin) but basically his brother age 27 had suddenly past away that morning. We were at his aunts with his nephew waiting on news when suddenly his waters broke. The ambulance rushed him to hospital where we waited in A&E for hours. We then got taken up for a scan where we were shown our baby on the screen and there a strong heartbeat. But then the world for us came crashing down. The doctor told us that there was no water left around the baby and that the baby would not survive. We was not really given any exploration and just left to wait again. Then finally after 2 more hours we were taken up the the delivery ward with no real explanation of what to expect.

Later that night a midwives came to explain to us that his water had broken and that we would have to deliver the baby.  However because the baby still had a heartbeat we would have to take a pill to terminate. How could we make that decision, to end our babies life. It broke my heart and to watch my husband heart break too.

We could not make that decision, as much as doctors pushed us to terminate due to a risk of infection and complications for Ben, he was our baby that we loved and wanted so much that we would do anything for, he still had a heart beat and we could not give up. I took to the Internet trying to find any hope or miracle story's as we waiting over night to have another scan in the morning. I could not sleep I just laid holding my husband and talking to our baby to keep fighting.

However our hopes were crushed the re-scan was done and those dreadful words no parent wants to hear, "There is no heartbeat." it was like my own heart had stopped. We were shocked and just sat there crying together. The nurse then left us to have some time together. We had two options, we could wait and just give birth naturally but could take days or be induced and hold our angel.

Later that night my husband chose to take the tables to induce labour, he had to give birth to our angel boy. He was born sleeping at 20:10. As the nurse placed Nico into Ben's arms I was not ready for how small and fragile he would be. I took one look and had to walk off to take a minuet as I broke down. My heart was broken,  all this time I was just being strong for Ben,  we had two friends who came to support us as well which was nice.  But in that moment I was just broken,  and will live with that feeling and memory forever.

After the nurse took Nico to wrap him up before bringing him back I was then prepared to hold him and be able to say goodbye. We held him for hours, kissing him and taking photos, in order to cherish the time we had with him. It was a feeling I can't explain,  we were full of sadness,  but peace and love as well.  It was a very surreal experience to hold my son for the first time,  he was so small and perfect.  He had all his main feature, his tiny fingers, and toes.  But his skin was still very translucent so you could see his veins,  his bones and even his brain and little heart.  It was such a weird but beautiful moment.

After several hours and after our friends got to meet him,  we said goodbye, kissing him and the midwives took our son to rest. Ben also had to pass the Placenta but it was stuck. He lost so much blood and was passing out. He had to be rushed to surgery. I was terrified, I thought I was going to loss them both. It was 1 am in the morning by this point and I just paces the empty corridors of the hospital. After 4 hours I was taken to recovery to seen him.  He was still very out of it, he been sick and took along time to come back round after being under. But finally at 5 am we were taken back to the room. I had been awake for almost 2 days by this point and was exhausted. Now I knew he was okay I was able to sleep. The next day they did lots of blood tests and urine test to rule out infections before having to give him a blood transfusion because he lost so much blood, over 1 litre they said.  I was just so glad he was okay but just felt so lost and scared still. He was weak and just not himself. I hated having to watch him go through all this, it was just an in explainable amount of pain. I just keep strong for Ben.

3 days after losing our son we were able to go home. However leaving the hospital and going home without our baby was so hard.  It was like we were still in shock and denial as well.  I just concentrate on making sure Ben was okay. After losing blood and having a blood transfusion he iron was low and he was still very weak.

I want to say Thanks to our friends who visit us in hospital, brought us our stuff and who had been round to our house to feed the cats. They had also tided up and put all the baby stuff we had around the house into the nursery room, shut away for when we were ready to sort it out.

However after a day being home it was like we were just existing not living, it was silent and my husband was still very weak. On the Saturday he then got up to go toilet and fainting because his iron was still low. He scared me again, I rang the ambulance and we were rushed back to hospital. It was hard to go back to the same hospital that we had lost our son. I just kept reliving the day he was born and scared this time I would lose my husband too.

4 months on we are now finally starting to get back to normal day to day life, I'm back at work my husband is slowing going back but it will never be the same. We will never forget our son and he will always be apart of our family our lives and in our heart. I am finally able to start grieving for myself as for so long I was just numb and staying strong for my husband, looking after him. I'm still scared on a daily basis for what the future holds and because my husband's mental health has dropped so low because of losing our son. Being a grieving parent of an angel is hard enough but with my husband cousin passing the day before therefore having no family support and with the added affect of being trans too, not many people understand. But this has made mine and his marriage stronger and everyday without our son is a struggle but we know he is looking down and guiding us. He is keeping us strong.

We had his funeral on 16th October, it was a beautiful send off, we had two friends there to help us give him a lovely send off.  I know we did all we could and we gave him a fighting chance. He is forever in our hearts and thoughts your daddies love you Nico Joyce Lewis-Evans.

Also we got our postmortem results which showed why this happened, it gave us peace of mind and  we know how we can prevent it next time. We do want to try again after we have had time to grieve and when the time comes that we are ready,  I know Nico will be there, he will guild us and be a big brother. He will always be our first born,  our son.

Our Angel. 

We love you baby boy 

fly high.

feelings during pregnancy

Feelings during pregnancy.

This post is from Ben about how he has been feeling with pregnancy symptoms, any anxiety he has or hope for the baby.

Ben's experiences.

So our journey has been a long ride, starting with me coming off hormones with all the ups and downs that came with it. Trying to find donors and being let down, then the stresses we had, which we have wrote about in previous posts so make sure you take a read. 
When we looked into the donors pages at the start it was hard, working out how it worked, what to write, to ask for or look for in order to find a donor that suited us, it was a hard one.

Do we write we are a trans couple? Do we just say we looking for a donor and then tell them? It was lots to think about so it did take its troll and stressed us out, or more so me. Shane has been my rock through it all.

Then as you can read in our previous posts, about finding our donor and also how I was having a bad time with being off hormones, then when it did not take the first time, as well as other things going on in day to day life and with family. But then finally we found the right donor and our journey began.

Come the end of may early June Shane was having dreams of me being pregnant, the cats were being more affectionate as well as my need to wee every 5 minuets.Therefore on the 3rd of June Shane and me got up about 9 am and did a first report test and it came back as positive and I didn't believe it because of all the stuff I went through and I know being stressed and everything is not good. for this reason we went out to get some clear blue test and did about 4, or 5 of them and they all come back positive. I started to believe it however, I also went to the GP to get a blood test done and the doctor did a dip and strip test but it came back negative so was not sure what to do and was not very understanding about being a trans pregnant man so I demanded a blood test to be done.

Once that test came back that I was in fact pregnant it kind of started to feel real, once it was medically confirm. A few weeks down the line I was about 5 week in, I woke up for work feeling really dizzy and sick so I rang in work to say I'll be in later. About 9 am I had some bleeding, me being someone that worries a lot, obviously when I saw I was bleeding I through the worse and started blaming myself for all the stress that went on and with my mental health. So I rang Ron one of our friends as Shane was at work. Ron was amazing by trying to calm me down until my aunt go to mine and took me to the early pregnancy unit. They said everything was fine for only being 5 weeks, the sac was in place however, it was too early to see the baby or get a clear idea. I was told to come back in two weeks.

I rang the school to get Shane so I  could explain to him, which I had to get my aunt to do because I was too emotional and resting back at her. I slept until Shane got there. I had a bit more bleeding on and off the next few days eventually it did stop. It was a hard two weeks I know Shane took it bad and it was hard to talk about but I stayed positive, I knew it was okay and just had to stay strong for our little one. We went back for our scan after two weeks, Shane and me were so nervous, I was thinking the worst like we had lost our little one. But as soon as we saw our baby and heard the heart beat everything changed, the smile on our faces said it all. I was so excited as I hug Shane when we left I knock his phone out his hand and the screen smashed. Oops.

I am now 16 weeks, it has been amazing but crazy with mixed emotions. The sicknesses started very early on and my days were breakfast, sick, work, home, dinner, sick, bed. I was feeling so tired, warn out and frustration as I couldn't spend time with Shane much.

Two weeks ago I developed a cold and a very aggressive cough to the point I felt sick so on top of morning sicknesses I also had the cough making me being sick. I went to the GP to see if they can help, because I was only 14 week they said it was to early to give me anything due to the baby growing and getting the nutrition from me that they need. So I was told to rest up and drink a lot of water.
Things then died down with my cold and cough and then went completely. Happy days I was then able to focus more with work and actually be able to enjoy my work. But I was still getting tired and coming home and not spending time with Shane. I work 8:30-4:30 everyday with an hour and half travel each way.

I was always getting very emotional over anything and everything I would have days where I would just sit there crying to Shane over nothing. It was weird because, I was on testosterone for three year and was not able to cry then as soon as I am pregnant that it all the water work kicked in, it's crazy.

Recently I have been experiencing the growing pains now within my stomach area and it was an odd feeling at first. it is like an elastic band tightening around my stomach. with my sickness still going on.

It also does not help that I have developed that cough and cold again. The last three night I have not sleep, instead I have just been sick constantly, it sucks. It has affected me really bad to the point I have had to take time off work and we even had to ring 111 and they sent an ambulance out to check over me. They did my blood pressure, temperature and everything come back fine. The reason we had to ring 111, is because I was getting pain in my chest and back due to the coughing but I did not know if it was also pain due to the pregnancy so my head was all over the place and I was in pain. I was told to rest and drink plenty. Also that all the pains were normal and could be early braxton hicks.

So I booked a doctors appointment and the doctor I had was not great he was new, he said I have a flu and basically said there is nothing he can do, just to rest. So I rang work to tell my manager, I felt emotional and thought that my manager was annoyed that I could not make work for the rest of the week. I went doctors again today and they have giving me antibiotics for 7 days and also gave me a sick note. Which I am now starting to feel a little better.

My thought of being a new dad 

I have anxiety of being a new daddy for the first time, while I am excited about becoming a dad, my anxiety levels throughout the pregnancy have been through the roof and sometimes I feel like I am gonna have a anxiety attack or something but I guess that is normal.  My through are “Am I going to be a good dad?” it just one of them things. I know I am a good uncle, but when it come to your own child it is different.

Just becoming a daddy to a tiny human is crazy. If I am honest sometimes I feel this whole pregnancy is just a dream because I have always wanted to be a parent. With my mental health I have felt that someone is just playing a game with me and I am going to wake up one morning and this has all been a dream.  I know in reality it is 100% not a dream and it is real life and my dream of being a daddy is so real and true.

I sometimes feel like is this even right, because of my childhood I know I want to make the most and make sure our child does not have to go through what I had to go through. Sometimes I feel I do not deserve this child or will I make the right decision, however I know deep down everything will be amazing. I know this is right and with everything I have been through this is one thing I know I really deserve and want.

But despite my anxiety of becoming a father as I have mentioned I am excited because I know deep down I will make an amazing father to our child and ensure they do not have the life I had to deal with when I was younger. I will try my hardest to give them the best life.

I am looking forward to teaching our child about life mostly about football of course 😂 but obviously just in general how the world works but manly how much we wanted our little one and how much they mean to us. How they can be whoever they want as long as they are truly happy and healthy.

Dysphoria was another worry I had, despite I think my body is awesome. I feel like it is a gift to have been born with the body that I did, and I made the necessary changes so that I could keep living in it, both through hormones and through other modifications, I had top surgery that I needed to feel comfortable enough to carry out my dream, of having a child biologically. I am happy with my body being a trans body. I am okay being a man who has a uterus and has the capability of carrying a baby. I do not feel like it makes me any less of a man. I just happened to be a man who is able to carry a baby.

Here are some reason why I am so excited and really want this child and why it means a lot to me:

We want to raise our child in a positive home environment, with a stable family. I wanted to create a life with my husband and have children. We want to create a family that is full of joy and love where they can be supported and accepted for who they are. We want to encourage them to be the best they can be and to be truly happy and do want they love. That they do not let anyone stop them in achieving their dreams.

The idea of being around babies and young children might disgust some people but I love the notion of raising a little one from birth into adulthood. I want to relive the silly and fun parts of our childhood with our child, and explore, travel and learn from them too. To be able to Give and Receive Unconditional Love.
There is a certain type of bond between parent and child that is incredibly powerful. The unconditional love that a parent has for their offspring and they give back is a motivator for most people especially us. I want to feel those strong emotions and share those emotions with my husband and our child.

The idea of us bringing another human into the world and the joy of seeing us all go through life is another powerful reason why I so want to have a child. I want to see our child grow up and become a productive member of society.

While it may seem obvious to some, having a child completely changes your life, after having a child you become responsible for their life and because of that, your existence takes on a whole new meaning. I love the idea of getting to create and raise a child, one that we can share our love with. This concept is appealing because you get to influence how our child will turn out and what values they will have. I can find that type of experience exciting and gratifying.

Also lastly to fix the mistakes of my parents and proof everyone wrong. Not everyone gets to grow up in a stable home environment with good parents. I lived with my parents as a baby but then got taken in to care and was raised by my aunt. My birth parents have serious flaws. So when I decided that I wanted to become a parent I knew I must not make the same mistakes. I will love our child the way my parents never loved me. I will proof to everyone that I can be the best parent our child needs.

I just can not wait, I am so excited but also nervous too, which I am sure all parents to be go through all the worries, hope and dreams for how this new human will change and shape life in the most exciting way. 

Do's and don'ts in pregnancy,

Do's and Don'ts.

What you can and cant do, what to eat or avoid, exercises and generally what to except throughout the pregnancy, this post is one that I would not have been able to write a few months ago. me and Ben were very prepared to have a baby however, I did not know much about being pregnant. I have never really been there throughout someones pregnancy. While my best friends had there daughter a year ago, they moved away to Brighton when they were 3 months pregnant, therefore I only saw them occasionally. We see a lot more of each other now, I was not there day to day throughout the pregnancy. This meant that I was not really sure what to except from Ben, how he would feel being pregnant with the add affect of being trans and having dyphoria. Then what he was allowed to eat, or not eat. What he was not allowed to do, so I started researching A LOT! For the first few weeks of the pregnancy I hardly slept, I was up most nights just googling and reading books, to set out plans of how I could support Ben. I wrote up meal plans, I Planned shopping list, list for what we need to start buying and at what stages of the pregnancy. I must admit I drove myself a little crazy. My OCD and need to organised took over in fall force. 

Further more this is why I wanted to write a blog and this post to channel my focus and share our journey with others. In order to help other people who are planning to have a baby, which ever method or gender or sexual origination, I want to support other frantic new parents out there, you are not alone!! 

This is some of do's and dont's I have gathered from all my research. There are many contradictory things in what is safe or not safe during pregnancy but, this is what we have stuck to.

foods.

Do	Dont
Eat lots of fruit and veg but ensure they are washed before.	Do not Eat raw meat or deli meats
Make sure eggs are fully cooked and not runny yolk.	Do not eat raw fish like sushi
Eat a lot of Dairy, pasteurized milk, eggs, yogurts and cheese	Do not eat unpasteurized milk or eggs
Legumes like beans, chickpeas, peanuts	Do not eat soft cheeses
Sweet potatoes because of high vitamin A	Do not have large amounts of caffeine
Broccoli and dark leafy greens	Do not eat pate
Lean meat like beef and chicken for protein and iron.	Do not eat homemade salad dressings like mayonnaise because of raw eggs but store Brought if fine
Berries and watermelon, as has high amount of water to keep fluid levels up. As well as health carbs, fiber, vitamins	Do not eat large amounts oily mercury fish like swordfish, salmon not more then two times a week
Switch to wholegrain bread, pasta and rice.	Do not have energy or sports drinks
Avocadoes	Do not drink
Dried fruit and nuts.	Do not smoke
Drink plenty of water over 8 glasses a day.	Limit fatty, oily food like takeaway, cake, sweets and chocolate but a small amount is okay.

There is probably some other things to avoid or to make sure you get plenty of but these are the main ones that we have followed and that midwives will advise. please seek medically advise if you have any concerns with what to eat or what is not allowed. The important thing is making sure you get a healthy balanced diet with plenty of nutrition to make sure the baby is able to grow healthy and strong. 

other important things to ensure:

• Do not take ibuprofen or some other medications, (seek medical advise on what is safe for you)
• Do not elevate body temperature, so avoid really hot baths, hot tubes and saunas. 
• Do not change the cat litter
• Do not do any unsafe heavy lifting or climbing 
• Stay away from harmful chemicals such as paint 
• Get plenty of sleep and rest 
• Do not reach or stretch up high
• Try sleeping on your left side not on your front or back 
• Stop wearing heels and make sure if you do wear bras they are fitted right
• Do keep having sex when you can it is completely safe unless told by your health providor
• Make sure your hobbies or work is safe still or make necessary changes.
• Take up prenatal yoga, or exercise stretching routines. 
• Take walks but rest when needed 

Make sure that you talk to your partner, family and friends as support is very important during pregnancy, always seek medical advise if you have any concerns.

Ben and myself have followed these guidelines from our own midwives team, GP or family members who have been pregnant. We have also made sure that we have keep a pregnancy journal where Ben had written down how he feels, or what has happened. This helps get out any anxieties and worry as well as document great moments like first scan, first kick and how much they grow. This blog is another way to document and share our journey too. We have been taking belly photos so we can see how big Ben's belly is getting. These little things are important and I would recommend because it helps keep track of the pregnancy, keep positive as how hard it my be everyone tells us it does not last forever so make sure you keep memories. 

Also this is just a basic advise I am in no way a professional so please do not think this is the same for every pregnancy and listen to your health care providers or midwives.  

Preparing pets for the new arrival!

Preparing pets for the new arrival.

As I mentioned I'm previous posts we have two kittens. Well not so much kittens anymore. We have Hayes who is 1 1/2 then Oakley who is now 11 months old. They were our first babies and a huge part of our family. We they are very much included in the new babies life too.

When we first got pregnant we did have some people ask us, oh well what are you going to do with the cats, as if we were expected to get rid of them. Which was not an option to us they are family. I'm sure many people will agree that pets are family too. So if you have cats, dogs, rabbits or any other pet you do not need to re-home them, but there is a few simple things you can do to get them involved and ready for their new sibling to arrive.

Firstly, cats especially, when they go outside can be a danger because they can bring in disease, like Toxoplasmosis. This is a common infection that you can catch from the feces of infected cats or infected meat. It's usually harmless but can cause serious problems in pregnancy. It can lead to miscarriages early on and many other health issues. More detail can be seen on the NHS Web page at: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/toxoplasmosis/

So if your cats are outdoor cats it is advised to keep them in during the pregnancy. Also make sure they are bathed, brushed and de-flead and wormed regularly. Also it's advised not to feed them raw meat.

Cat litter can also be an issues or if you have any rodents like rabbits, hamster ect... It is best to get someone else to change these on a regular basis like every other day or at least one a week with a full clean out. If you can not get someone else to do this then always wear gloves, wash hands before and after.

So yes this is the basic in having animals and the dangers, which meant I am on cat litter duty and cleaning our cats throughout the pregnancy. Lucky our cats did not really go out. Hayes did here and there so they have not been to bothered about being kept inside.

However, despite these there are many positive about having animals in the household. I am sure everyone has seen all the cute videos on social media with children and their pets. With a little guidance and preparations I am sure any animal and new baby can be best of friends and live in harmony.

Our experience so far with Ben being pregnant and having cats has been really heart warming. So I believe animals can sense pregnancy and the changes through hormones and the pheromone that pregnant people give out. Our two defiantly are aware that something is going on. It was actually their behavior, during our two weeks wait that I knew Ben was pregnant. Apart from my random dreams of a positive pregnancy test. Hayes became more affectionate but only to Ben. One night we were laying in bed I went to cuddle Ben and just put my hand on his stomach. Hayes who was curled right up to Ben's stomach then bit me (which is extremely out of character) then, batted my hand away and cuddled around Ben's belly. The next day we found out Ben was in fact pregnant.

Hayes has always been a loving and affectionate cat however, more so now. He does not leave Ben alone when we are home. He sleeps right by his side and curls on his lap around the bump. He puts his paws on the bump, a few times licking it. On a few more occasions he has pushed my hand off Ben's belly or will lay in between us.

One special moment whi h we will treasure, which is the cutest thing was that when Ben was being sick one evening as he has been affected lot by this. Whilst I was in bed, Hayes had got up and followed Ben as they always do in morning after their food. However Hayes then ran back to me and was sat meowing at me until I got up, he the lead me to Ben in the bathroom. Hayes sat on his lap and was licking and pampering Ben to make him feel better. The fact he come and got me to go see to Ben and make sure he is okay was such a uquic moment. There was an animal caring for a human it was magical.

Oakley on the other hand has been a very shy and nervous kitten. He hides with new people and is very independent. He has never really slept on the bed and would preferred laying by himself or just with Hayes. He was not bothered with being pampered. He also didn't really like being picked up. But since Ben being pregnant he has also become very attention seeking. He follows us everywhere around the house. He sleeps at the bottom of the bed by Ben's feet. He still is not massive on being picked up or cuddled but will just follow us and come up for attention to be stroked or to play with him. he is more affectionate with me rather then Ben which is odd, when Hayes is protective of Ben. Oakley will try get my attention if I am cuddling Ben and seems to be getting very jealous, which is why we need more preparation for him.


Luckily we have very affectionate and calm cats, who are also very used to having children in the house. Hayes mainly because when we got him we lived with Ben's family which was a busy and noise home, where his two year old cousin lived, so Hayes was used to being handled, chased and the noise of a toddler. Logan loves Hayes, they would play together, it was so cute.Also Ben's other cousins or friends kids  ranging from 1-9 were always around. therefore Hayes was every used to lots of children, adults and other animals around, with mess and noise which is why he is very social able.

We went to stay with my friend
and their new little girl when she was 5 weeks old and Hayes was only about 10 weeks old, he laid in the pram with her and cuddled up. It was the cutest thing I had witnessed. As she grow bigger and we saw her Hayes remained very protective of her. Laying by her when she played the next time we went and babysat. He also sits with MJ our friends son, who we look after occasional,  Hayes will lay with him, he lays next to the travel cot while MJ sleeps. So I can't wait to see the bond he will have with the baby.


Then Oakley is used to this a bit but only occasional when we have looked after Ben's cousins or our friends babies. Because he is timid at first he run and hid under the bed but has started to get used to the noise and ciaos children bring. We often have our friend little boys who is now 1 and chases the cats around the house. However he was only a few months when he first came to stay and the cats then got used to him being in the travel cot so there weren't allowed in our room, overnight, then him crying to which they would run over to make sure he was okay. Oakley and Hayes would lay with him on the floor and play with the toys with him as he got older.

So they are very prepared and used to all ages of children being in the house and have adapted very well with no real preparation, however they may have also learnt that it's on occasion and get very attention seeking when the kids have gone home. So to have a new born baby who is here to stay still may need some more getting used to from our fur babies.

Therefore with all this I have been researching on how to prepare pets especially cats for the new arrival and wanted to share some of these tips with everyone.

These things are mainly for cats but I'm sure go for dogs too.

1. Prepare the nursery and let your pets sniff and have a feel of this new furnture or space. 
2. If you can introduce your pets to other babies or children like friend or family members kids. 
3. Leave baby items like blankets, bounser around for the pets to explor
4. Put new baby smells like baby lotions or talcum powder around the house, also on your own skin when letting or playing with your pet. To allow them to get used to this smell in a safe and reassuring way. 
5. Play baby sounds, like crying, giggling and laughing around the house. Start it off qui kly to no scare your pets, then as they get used to it play it louder or for longer. 
6. If their is any areas in the home that is going to be out of bounds once the baby is here start training pets as early as you can that they are no longer aloud in this room or on certain furtainure. 
7. Don't give your cat more attention to try make up for the lose of attention that may come when the baby is here. Because they will then expect this level and become more upset when baby's here. But also when the baby is here make sure your still giving your pets so attention and one on one time so they don't feel pushed out or abandoned. 
8. Making sure pets medical check ups are done, they are defeed, wormed and have behaviour training if they need it. 
9. When the baby is first Brough home it is important to first bring in a blanket or item of clothing for you pets to smell to get used to the babies scent. Then bring baby in and let your pet smell, look and explore them safely. Reward calm and good behaviour. 
10. Also never leave the baby and pet together unsupervised. There are items such as baby gates or moses baskets and cot net covers to help keep the baby safe. 

Lastly you know your pet best so make sure ypu do what you think your pet needs to be able to accept and deal with a new baby, if you pets unfortunately is not well behaviored or not responded well then you may need to consider rehoming options but hopefully the little tips will help prepare your pets for the new baby and everyone can live together happily. 

So please leave a comment if you have ever had experience with pets when pregnant as I am very interested and have been reading a lot about their awareness and how animals can sense pregnancy, or any tips on how you prepared your pet for the new arrival and how they behaved after the baby was born.