Happy birthday baby boy.
A little late post, my apologies had lots to process and then just things happen this week.
On Saturday 29th August 2020 is a sad but special day. Our first born should be 2. He should be runny around with his little sister playing but instead we spending balloons up to him. He is missing from his own day, our family and day to day life. They say it get better with time but that's not true! While yes on a day to day basis it may be a little easier to manage however it gets harder. The more they are not with you you long to be back to when we had him in our arms to cuddle. Just to be able to spend another second holding him. As the longer it hasbeen, it becomes a memory not a reality like it was in the early days.
Then there be days like this, birthday, Christmas, milestones that are even harder. As he should be starting nursery, with all the new started this September, but we will never get that moment taking the first day photo in their uniform, crying as we leave him at the gates. Then next year when it's ariyah turn yes we get this with her and it will be a wonderful moment but saden by the fact we should have done it with Nico.
As ariyah gets bigger, talking taking first steps that in itself is hard too. It amazing watching her grow and very treasuring at the time. Whilst later that night when I can't sleep I think of him. All the what/would questions.
Would he look like her, what we they be like together, would he have all the reflux and allergies like her. Would he be talking and walking, what would his smile look like, what his personality be like, would he be cheeky like his sister.
Lots more.......
I don't think I really got time to grieve for Nico which has built but and I'm now really struggling with. At the beginning I had to be strong for Ben. He needed me! Then there was the excitement of being pregnant again. But again I had to put Ben and our rainbow first. Caring for him making sure he was resting, eayin ect.... With the difficult scary pregnancy, Ben on bestest me working extra hours to save money. It was no time to stop and think. I felt guilty because for slot of the pregnancy I didn't think about Nico. I had to stay hopefully and positive for our new arrival.
Then ariyah was born, anyone who had a baby will know those early days your exhausted, busy, overwhelmed and again can not think of anything other then that baby. So I think it's only really hitting me that I have not process Nico's death, I haven't grieved. I feel now is to late, how do I even beginning to process and grieve when it was 2 years ago. I want to celebrate his life which we do. We always take about him, we tell ariyah and others about him all the time. He is our baby. We have two children and ariyah has a brother. That will never change we will always keep his memory and life going.
But I do need to really process and heal. Lucky I have my husband and he can support me as I supported him, we can help and heal together.
Despite all this we had a lovely day on Saturday as best we could. We had our donor come from London to spend the day remembering him. He went for a walk talked about Nico and Ariyah-mai. How we thankful for the donor becoming apart of our family and blessing us with these two children. After we met some other friends for lunch with there babies, one of which is a rainbow too. It was nice to be out distracted but also be about to talk about Nico is a support safe place. Later we all went back to ours to write him a note, which we attached to balloons and let them go. We blow bubbles for the babies for him. I hope you got them and loved them baby. That you were with us and parting up there with your family too.
That nice me and Ben had a look through his stuff, talked about him. We had named a star in his name to remember him and always know there a star up there for him that we can show Ariyah and point out as she gets older.we have a map to show us were it is located in the sky. Shine bright our angel star.
We also did a little photo shoot with Ariyah and her brother's ashes and photo. With some of his stuff. She brought him a brother candle with a cute message on.
Message for Nico.
I miss you every second of every day, you are always in my heart and my thoughts. I see you in the little things, the butterflies that dance in the garden, the flickers of light, as a feather falls in front of me I know you are around.
I see you face in my dreams as you grow to be angel boy, flying high but growing strong. I hear your voice and whisper in the night. As I watch your sister play I see you sitting there. Causing trouble together as I sure you engage her cheekiness. I image you cuddled and talk to you to watch over her, to cuddle her tight as I lay her down to sleep each night.
Believe me although I've not grieved, I will never forget you as I do to start and learn to process that although you may not be here physical you are in spirt. I know a piece of your heart and soul in within us all, especial our rainbow. That special miracle you sent to us the month you were meant to arrive, then be born the day of your funeral, the day we said our final goodbyes would another hello, another life beautiful brought into this world. In honour of you! So thank you. You are very bless and grateful. Tho time have been hard and difficult more so right now. I believe with your guidance and strength things will all work out. We be strong and make you proud I promise as long as your always around. I spend you my love with my whole being, kisses my sweet boy daddies love you forever. As does your sister.
Here are the photos of the day.
