Our First born.
So it's been 6 months and I feel it's the right time to finally talk about what happened.
we are dads of our perfect angel son Nico Joyce. Who was born sleeping at 16 weeks and 3 days on 29 of August 2018. It has been the hardest time of our life and having to be strong for Ben who has been really suffering has been very difficult.
This is our story,
So me and my husband Ben are both trans men. My husband wanted to experience having a baby before he had surgery and was then unable to bear a child. Which meant we had to plan for a long time. He had to come off hormones for 8 months for all his cycles and hormones to settle in order to conceive. We then had to get a sperm donor. Lucky it only took us 2 months to fall pregnant.All was going well, Ben had a lot of morning sickness but other then that the pregnancy was fine, the baby was healthy and growing well. On our 12 week scan they had a strong heart beat and was wiggling around. So we were so excited and happy. It was what we always dreamed about and planned for.
Then Ben and I were both a bit ill, with virtual infections. The doctors did nothing and said that the baby would not be affected by my husband being ill. He then was feeling better and went back to work. So we thought everything was fine.
However we had family call and he rushed home because his (cousin) but basically his brother age 27 had suddenly past away that morning. We were at his aunts with his nephew waiting on news when suddenly his waters broke. The ambulance rushed him to hospital where we waited in A&E for hours. We then got taken up for a scan where we were shown our baby on the screen and there a strong heartbeat. But then the world for us came crashing down. The doctor told us that there was no water left around the baby and that the baby would not survive. We was not really given any exploration and just left to wait again. Then finally after 2 more hours we were taken up the the delivery ward with no real explanation of what to expect.
Later that night a midwives came to explain to us that his water had broken and that we would have to deliver the baby. However because the baby still had a heartbeat we would have to take a pill to terminate. How could we make that decision, to end our babies life. It broke my heart and to watch my husband heart break too.
We could not make that decision, as much as doctors pushed us to terminate due to a risk of infection and complications for Ben, he was our baby that we loved and wanted so much that we would do anything for, he still had a heart beat and we could not give up. I took to the Internet trying to find any hope or miracle story's as we waiting over night to have another scan in the morning. I could not sleep I just laid holding my husband and talking to our baby to keep fighting.
However our hopes were crushed the re-scan was done and those dreadful words no parent wants to hear, "There is no heartbeat." it was like my own heart had stopped. We were shocked and just sat there crying together. The nurse then left us to have some time together. We had two options, we could wait and just give birth naturally but could take days or be induced and hold our angel.
Later that night my husband chose to take the tables to induce labour, he had to give birth to our angel boy. He was born sleeping at 20:10. As the nurse placed Nico into Ben's arms I was not ready for how small and fragile he would be. I took one look and had to walk off to take a minuet as I broke down. My heart was broken, all this time I was just being strong for Ben, we had two friends who came to support us as well which was nice. But in that moment I was just broken, and will live with that feeling and memory forever.
After the nurse took Nico to wrap him up before bringing him back I was then prepared to hold him and be able to say goodbye. We held him for hours, kissing him and taking photos, in order to cherish the time we had with him. It was a feeling I can't explain, we were full of sadness, but peace and love as well. It was a very surreal experience to hold my son for the first time, he was so small and perfect. He had all his main feature, his tiny fingers, and toes. But his skin was still very translucent so you could see his veins, his bones and even his brain and little heart. It was such a weird but beautiful moment.
After several hours and after our friends got to meet him, we said goodbye, kissing him and the midwives took our son to rest. Ben also had to pass the Placenta but it was stuck. He lost so much blood and was passing out. He had to be rushed to surgery. I was terrified, I thought I was going to loss them both. It was 1 am in the morning by this point and I just paces the empty corridors of the hospital. After 4 hours I was taken to recovery to seen him. He was still very out of it, he been sick and took along time to come back round after being under. But finally at 5 am we were taken back to the room. I had been awake for almost 2 days by this point and was exhausted. Now I knew he was okay I was able to sleep. The next day they did lots of blood tests and urine test to rule out infections before having to give him a blood transfusion because he lost so much blood, over 1 litre they said. I was just so glad he was okay but just felt so lost and scared still. He was weak and just not himself. I hated having to watch him go through all this, it was just an in explainable amount of pain. I just keep strong for Ben.
3 days after losing our son we were able to go home. However leaving the hospital and going home without our baby was so hard. It was like we were still in shock and denial as well. I just concentrate on making sure Ben was okay. After losing blood and having a blood transfusion he iron was low and he was still very weak.
I want to say Thanks to our friends who visit us in hospital, brought us our stuff and who had been round to our house to feed the cats. They had also tided up and put all the baby stuff we had around the house into the nursery room, shut away for when we were ready to sort it out.
However after a day being home it was like we were just existing not living, it was silent and my husband was still very weak. On the Saturday he then got up to go toilet and fainting because his iron was still low. He scared me again, I rang the ambulance and we were rushed back to hospital. It was hard to go back to the same hospital that we had lost our son. I just kept reliving the day he was born and scared this time I would lose my husband too.
4 months on we are now finally starting to get back to normal day to day life, I'm back at work my husband is slowing going back but it will never be the same. We will never forget our son and he will always be apart of our family our lives and in our heart. I am finally able to start grieving for myself as for so long I was just numb and staying strong for my husband, looking after him. I'm still scared on a daily basis for what the future holds and because my husband's mental health has dropped so low because of losing our son. Being a grieving parent of an angel is hard enough but with my husband cousin passing the day before therefore having no family support and with the added affect of being trans too, not many people understand. But this has made mine and his marriage stronger and everyday without our son is a struggle but we know he is looking down and guiding us. He is keeping us strong.
We had his funeral on 16th October, it was a beautiful send off, we had two friends there to help us give him a lovely send off. I know we did all we could and we gave him a fighting chance. He is forever in our hearts and thoughts your daddies love you Nico Joyce Lewis-Evans.
Also we got our postmortem results which showed why this happened, it gave us peace of mind and we know how we can prevent it next time. We do want to try again after we have had time to grieve and when the time comes that we are ready, I know Nico will be there, he will guild us and be a big brother. He will always be our first born, our son.
Our Angel.
We love you baby boy
fly high.
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