feelings during pregnancy

Feelings during pregnancy.

This post is from Ben about how he has been feeling with pregnancy symptoms, any anxiety he has or hope for the baby.

Ben's experiences.

So our journey has been a long ride, starting with me coming off hormones with all the ups and downs that came with it. Trying to find donors and being let down, then the stresses we had, which we have wrote about in previous posts so make sure you take a read. 
When we looked into the donors pages at the start it was hard, working out how it worked, what to write, to ask for or look for in order to find a donor that suited us, it was a hard one.

Do we write we are a trans couple? Do we just say we looking for a donor and then tell them? It was lots to think about so it did take its troll and stressed us out, or more so me. Shane has been my rock through it all.

Then as you can read in our previous posts, about finding our donor and also how I was having a bad time with being off hormones, then when it did not take the first time, as well as other things going on in day to day life and with family. But then finally we found the right donor and our journey began.

Come the end of may early June Shane was having dreams of me being pregnant, the cats were being more affectionate as well as my need to wee every 5 minuets.Therefore on the 3rd of June Shane and me got up about 9 am and did a first report test and it came back as positive and I didn't believe it because of all the stuff I went through and I know being stressed and everything is not good. for this reason we went out to get some clear blue test and did about 4, or 5 of them and they all come back positive. I started to believe it however, I also went to the GP to get a blood test done and the doctor did a dip and strip test but it came back negative so was not sure what to do and was not very understanding about being a trans pregnant man so I demanded a blood test to be done.

Once that test came back that I was in fact pregnant it kind of started to feel real, once it was medically confirm. A few weeks down the line I was about 5 week in, I woke up for work feeling really dizzy and sick so I rang in work to say I'll be in later. About 9 am I had some bleeding, me being someone that worries a lot, obviously when I saw I was bleeding I through the worse and started blaming myself for all the stress that went on and with my mental health. So I rang Ron one of our friends as Shane was at work. Ron was amazing by trying to calm me down until my aunt go to mine and took me to the early pregnancy unit. They said everything was fine for only being 5 weeks, the sac was in place however, it was too early to see the baby or get a clear idea. I was told to come back in two weeks.

I rang the school to get Shane so I  could explain to him, which I had to get my aunt to do because I was too emotional and resting back at her. I slept until Shane got there. I had a bit more bleeding on and off the next few days eventually it did stop. It was a hard two weeks I know Shane took it bad and it was hard to talk about but I stayed positive, I knew it was okay and just had to stay strong for our little one. We went back for our scan after two weeks, Shane and me were so nervous, I was thinking the worst like we had lost our little one. But as soon as we saw our baby and heard the heart beat everything changed, the smile on our faces said it all. I was so excited as I hug Shane when we left I knock his phone out his hand and the screen smashed. Oops.

I am now 16 weeks, it has been amazing but crazy with mixed emotions. The sicknesses started very early on and my days were breakfast, sick, work, home, dinner, sick, bed. I was feeling so tired, warn out and frustration as I couldn't spend time with Shane much.

Two weeks ago I developed a cold and a very aggressive cough to the point I felt sick so on top of morning sicknesses I also had the cough making me being sick. I went to the GP to see if they can help, because I was only 14 week they said it was to early to give me anything due to the baby growing and getting the nutrition from me that they need. So I was told to rest up and drink a lot of water.
Things then died down with my cold and cough and then went completely. Happy days I was then able to focus more with work and actually be able to enjoy my work. But I was still getting tired and coming home and not spending time with Shane. I work 8:30-4:30 everyday with an hour and half travel each way.

I was always getting very emotional over anything and everything I would have days where I would just sit there crying to Shane over nothing. It was weird because, I was on testosterone for three year and was not able to cry then as soon as I am pregnant that it all the water work kicked in, it's crazy.

Recently I have been experiencing the growing pains now within my stomach area and it was an odd feeling at first. it is like an elastic band tightening around my stomach. with my sickness still going on.

It also does not help that I have developed that cough and cold again. The last three night I have not sleep, instead I have just been sick constantly, it sucks. It has affected me really bad to the point I have had to take time off work and we even had to ring 111 and they sent an ambulance out to check over me. They did my blood pressure, temperature and everything come back fine. The reason we had to ring 111, is because I was getting pain in my chest and back due to the coughing but I did not know if it was also pain due to the pregnancy so my head was all over the place and I was in pain. I was told to rest and drink plenty. Also that all the pains were normal and could be early braxton hicks.

So I booked a doctors appointment and the doctor I had was not great he was new, he said I have a flu and basically said there is nothing he can do, just to rest. So I rang work to tell my manager, I felt emotional and thought that my manager was annoyed that I could not make work for the rest of the week. I went doctors again today and they have giving me antibiotics for 7 days and also gave me a sick note. Which I am now starting to feel a little better.

My thought of being a new dad 

I have anxiety of being a new daddy for the first time, while I am excited about becoming a dad, my anxiety levels throughout the pregnancy have been through the roof and sometimes I feel like I am gonna have a anxiety attack or something but I guess that is normal.  My through are “Am I going to be a good dad?” it just one of them things. I know I am a good uncle, but when it come to your own child it is different.

Just becoming a daddy to a tiny human is crazy. If I am honest sometimes I feel this whole pregnancy is just a dream because I have always wanted to be a parent. With my mental health I have felt that someone is just playing a game with me and I am going to wake up one morning and this has all been a dream.  I know in reality it is 100% not a dream and it is real life and my dream of being a daddy is so real and true.

I sometimes feel like is this even right, because of my childhood I know I want to make the most and make sure our child does not have to go through what I had to go through. Sometimes I feel I do not deserve this child or will I make the right decision, however I know deep down everything will be amazing. I know this is right and with everything I have been through this is one thing I know I really deserve and want.

But despite my anxiety of becoming a father as I have mentioned I am excited because I know deep down I will make an amazing father to our child and ensure they do not have the life I had to deal with when I was younger. I will try my hardest to give them the best life.

I am looking forward to teaching our child about life mostly about football of course 😂 but obviously just in general how the world works but manly how much we wanted our little one and how much they mean to us. How they can be whoever they want as long as they are truly happy and healthy.

Dysphoria was another worry I had, despite I think my body is awesome. I feel like it is a gift to have been born with the body that I did, and I made the necessary changes so that I could keep living in it, both through hormones and through other modifications, I had top surgery that I needed to feel comfortable enough to carry out my dream, of having a child biologically. I am happy with my body being a trans body. I am okay being a man who has a uterus and has the capability of carrying a baby. I do not feel like it makes me any less of a man. I just happened to be a man who is able to carry a baby.

Here are some reason why I am so excited and really want this child and why it means a lot to me:

We want to raise our child in a positive home environment, with a stable family. I wanted to create a life with my husband and have children. We want to create a family that is full of joy and love where they can be supported and accepted for who they are. We want to encourage them to be the best they can be and to be truly happy and do want they love. That they do not let anyone stop them in achieving their dreams.

The idea of being around babies and young children might disgust some people but I love the notion of raising a little one from birth into adulthood. I want to relive the silly and fun parts of our childhood with our child, and explore, travel and learn from them too. To be able to Give and Receive Unconditional Love.
There is a certain type of bond between parent and child that is incredibly powerful. The unconditional love that a parent has for their offspring and they give back is a motivator for most people especially us. I want to feel those strong emotions and share those emotions with my husband and our child.

The idea of us bringing another human into the world and the joy of seeing us all go through life is another powerful reason why I so want to have a child. I want to see our child grow up and become a productive member of society.

While it may seem obvious to some, having a child completely changes your life, after having a child you become responsible for their life and because of that, your existence takes on a whole new meaning. I love the idea of getting to create and raise a child, one that we can share our love with. This concept is appealing because you get to influence how our child will turn out and what values they will have. I can find that type of experience exciting and gratifying.

Also lastly to fix the mistakes of my parents and proof everyone wrong. Not everyone gets to grow up in a stable home environment with good parents. I lived with my parents as a baby but then got taken in to care and was raised by my aunt. My birth parents have serious flaws. So when I decided that I wanted to become a parent I knew I must not make the same mistakes. I will love our child the way my parents never loved me. I will proof to everyone that I can be the best parent our child needs.

I just can not wait, I am so excited but also nervous too, which I am sure all parents to be go through all the worries, hope and dreams for how this new human will change and shape life in the most exciting way.