Our second donation

Our Second Donation 

So after no hope last month it was that time to try again. As I stated in my last post it had been a very hard month and Ben continued to struggle with being off hormones, it was really starting to affect his moods and he was unsure weather he could continuing trying or If it was best to go back on hormones. 

We talked a lot and decided to try again with a new local donor because he really wanted to have a baby and a family and while it was hard we were there for each other and it would be worth it all when we have our baby. 

While we was on our two week wait from our first donation we had a London based donor contact us very willing to help, he seemed lovely and because he was closer then the donor we first used and as it was negative we decided to met with the new donor. We talked a lot online before meeting for coffee. We made sure we met in a public place and has spoken a lot before then. It was nerve racking considering last time we just traveled stayed in a hotel and got the donation therefore, we did not have much contact with the first donor, where as we wanted to ensure that this time we had someone we trusted and could use until we conceived. 

So we went for coffee, he was as nervous as we were but he was very friendly and we all had a lovely chat, about his life, education and family history as well as our lives and set up so we could all get a feel of each other, so he knew we were really ready to have a child. 

The donor had all his STI checks and health checks done. He showed us up to date results. He went through his family medical history which their was nothing. He was a healthy middle aged male who was originally from South Africa before moving to England in his 20's. He has a masters degree education, he works as an accountant and had also taught English in different countries. This was what we were looking for because he was intelligent with good health and we knew our baby would be healthy with great genetic. We were not concerned over looks or the donors age because they are less important factors in our eye then health and intelligence. We also like that their was a different cultural background as well as the fact he taught because that is the profession that both me and Ben were in. 

He is also a gay man in a relationship in which his partner supports his decision to be a sperm donor, this meant he understood to a degree our situation with being a trans gay couple and Ben being a pregnant man. He did not want his own kids or have any contact other then knowing that the baby was healthy and okay as well as being able to give us the chance to have a family. After meeting we kept in contact while we tracked Ben's ovulation to set up when we would need a donation.

As he was close to London and had to come past our way after work, he did not charge us for travel or want to take any money off us unlike the last one. We trusted him and felt comfortable enough to have him round to our house in order to do the donation which made everything easier and more relaxed for Ben. 

Donation take 2......

So the time came around again when Ben was ovulating as we were ready for a donation, according to the app we used to keep track while doing ovulation stripes. He was so lovely and was available at the last minute because of us working and we was not sure when Ben was meant to ovulate due to coming on earlier the last month. But we set a date and time for our first donation with him. He came to our house after work, did his part and left so we could do the insemination. This time round we had more donations to increases the chances that it would take, also because we were not sure when Ben was going to ovulate and didn't want to miss it.  

We had Donations on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday one week, in which clear blue ovulation test were still showing that Ben was not ovulating, the the following week we had two more donations on the Monday and Tuesday. It was a very different experience then last time for many reasons mainly it being in our own house and because we knew the donor more by this point. It was a very weird and awkward experience at first but soon we all relaxed and it just become a regular part of our routine after that.

I think that the fact we did have more donations and it was in our owe home, I felt more relaxed and confident that I was doing the insemination correctly to increase our chances. So after two weeks of donations with lots of other stuff going on to we had our two week wait again...

Our first donation.

Our first Donation

On the 21st and 22nd of April we had our first donation, firstly we had been let down by yet another donor online but then we messaged another who we had spoke to before and was a well known donor. He was available that weekend when Ben was ovulating, so last minuet we traveled up to Luton. We had a friend who helped us out with a discount for the Hotel that night which saved us some money, we really appreciated this. 

This donor however charged for his sperm which is actually not allowed, its not completely illegal because its for cost of the pot and petrol for him to get their.  But at the time we had been let down, we wanted a family so much so we just paid him and did the donation. 

It was a little awkward just because we had never done it at this point, the donor met me downstairs in the parking lot of the hotel, while Ben was upstairs. He was very nice and it made it less awkward which helped relieve my nerves.  I  collected the pot and syringe and I then inseminated Ben. 

It was also just a very unusual experience because it not anything you can really prepare for, I had read online about how to do it  and got advise from people who had done it before but I still worried about hurting Ben or if I was getting the syringe in far enough. So anyways we had two donation one on the Saturday night then again in the morning. 

The wait began.....

It was the hardest two weeks, just having to wait to take a pregnancy test, I think I was more impatient then Ben. It was hard, the week went so slowly and we also was getting married that weekend so had lots to look forward to. 

Tips for Two weeks wait, is just keep busy and do not look too much into symptoms. Do not take test two early as it takes at least 10-14 day post ovulation for the HCG levels to rise enough to get a positive. So a negative test could just mean its to early to show up But, every person is different 

Ben was feeling sick and getting pains in his stomach and chest,  however the brain can trick you and desperation does weird things to your body and mind. We had decided to take a pregnancy test the day after our wedding, mainly because we did not want to take it on the day and have two overwhelming nervous racking events on the same day. I was a nervous wreck as it was because of the wedding day, having the attention on us because I do not really like that, as well as Ben planning surprises which I hate. 

Unfortunately Ben started to have spotting two days before our wedding which was 12 days post donation. at first we thought it could be implantation bleeding because he was getting pregnancy symptoms but when we did a test it was negative. While we knew it could just be too early and kept our hopes up which, I know is not a good thing to do but we learnt that it is hard not to when you have planned for a baby for so long and just wanted a family so much. 

The day of our wedding came and Ben had come on heavy which was menstruation sadly. This was a week early according to to app we used to track his cycles, it was also heavier then normal so we knew that he was not pregnant. Although we was not excepting him to fall first time as its very unlikely for anyone on trying to conceive, especially as he had come oof hormones only 8 months ago as well as his cycles still being irregular and longer then 28 days. 

This hurt us more then we excepted especially Ben, we had been so busy planning the wedding, then actually getting married, we did not let it ruin the day so just put it to the back of our minds. We did have an amazing day and it was the happiest I had ever been. Our close family and friends where there to celebrate with us then we went away for the weekend before going back to work. 

We just carried on as normal but never really let ourselves be upset or talk it though which affected us a lot. Ben struggled and he had low moods and a really hard month. We did sit down a few weeks later and talk about it, we decided to keep trying although we would find a new local donor. 

Some advise:

• Make sure as a couple or if your single that you prepare for a negative and for it not to work.
• As I said before do not symtom check
• Make sure you have support in place 
• If you have access to counseling while trying to conceive take it as Ben found this helpful to just talk through everything. 
• It is hard honesty I know but do not get to excited or your hopes up to much. (easier said then done) 
• Seek advise from others who have done home insemination (feel free to message me) as this helps ease the awkwardness and make you more confident in how to do it. 

Types of donations.

Information about donating. 

This is just a short post about some information on donations, also I will put links to some online information as well for you to go and research. 

disclaimer: I am not an expert and am just passing on information I found as well as site for research if you are looking into having a baby through donations. 

When looking for a sperm donor there are many organisations and sites like Pride Angles and just a baby many however charge along with sperm banks, this is normally a lot of money which, is not affordable for most people. The NHS do fund some IVF treatments but many couples especially those who are in same sex relationships and trans couples like us who need sperm donations, IVF is not available on the NHS. 

There is however many free Facebook sites where there are sperm donors offing to help couples, single people and LGBT couples to have the opportunity to create a family. There are many things to consider when finding a donor.

Some Facebook pages I would recommend:

1. Free sperm donors uk!: https://www.facebook.com/groups/FSDUK/
2. sperm donors AI+ natural FREE only uk LGBT + Hetro: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Viva.Sperm.Donation.find.Donors/permalink/821578524714277/comment_id=832777170261079&notif_id=1530312805364452&notif_t=group_comment

Types of donations 

When looking for a donor make sure you have done your research into the types of donations, the donor themselves and your rights.

AI is Artificial Insemination which is where semen is inserted into the cervix in order to get pregnant, this can be done in a clinic or at home. This is the method we used. In order to perform artificial insemination at home, you will need a sterile pot or container in which the donor is to produce his semen into, leave it to liquify for around 10-15 minuets, Then use a 5 ml syringe to collect the sperm from the pot and insert it into the cervix. its best to lay flat with your hips raise up by putting a pillow under your hips. Squirt the syringe slowly and then leave it in as a plug for about 10 mins. Do not use normal lube as it kills the semen, if lube is needed use pre-seeded. Also by being aroused and bringing on a orgasm all helps the sperm fertilize the egg. Lay back and leave your legs in the air for about 30 mins this uses gravity to help the semen travel to the egg. Some people use soft cups to insert the sperm straight in then leave it in for up to 12 hours. We also used a spectrum to open up the vaginal passage to make it easier to insert the syringe into the cervix.

what you need for AI-

NI is natural insemination. This is having sexual intercourse in order to achieve conception. I personally disagree with this method mainly because I am in love and married to Ben, as while yes we needed assistance to achieve conception, I would see this as cheating. Meanwhile many single women or couples do chose this method and that is their choice and not saying its wrong it is what suits the individual. Many people believe that this method allows a better chance to conceive but there is no research or facts to support this. Do not feel pressured into this as many donor online have been known to agree to AI then pressure the recipient into NI because they are in a vulnerable situation because they just want a baby. However if this is your chosen method ensure your partner is happy about it as well and STI checks have been done and all clear before hand.

PI is partial insemination, where the man brings himself close to orgasm before having penintrational sexual intercourse to achieve conception, this is very similar to NI just the donor is only performing penetration into order to procreate. This is a less intimate variation to NI. So all above is to be considered when choosing this methods.

Also other methods that are less common like AI+ or NI+ are basically artificial insemination where the recipient helps the donor to ejaculate into the pots with sexual contact or oral sex,  to then inseminate themselves, or has their partner or the donor insemination them. NI+ is where oral or sexual contact is performed before penetration. https://www.coparents.co.uk/forum/what-does-ai-ni-pi-mean-t3771.html

IUI stands for intrauterine insemination this is performed at a clinic in a similar way to AI. Where the sperm is sampled and washed, then  a Catheter tube is used to insert the sperm directly up into the uterus. This maximizes the number of sperm to fertilize the egg. Also in most cases a fertility drug to increase ovulation may be used too. http://americanpregnancy.org/infertility/intrauterine-insemination/

IVF is a medical procedure called In Vitro Fertilization, in which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside of the body in a lab and is inserted directly into the uterus. This treatment is for those with unexplained infertility, or medical conditions which affect fertility. It is covered in some cases by the NHS but most people have to fund it themselves, especially couples in same sex relationships or when someone is trans. It is  very expensive roughly costing around £7,000 or more when as an LGBT couple we would have to get sperm from a sperm bank too.

Questions for a donor.

do they have:

• proof of recent STI checks,
• are all health and medical checks are done,
• making sure they do not have are medical conditions in their family. 
• Their life style and interests
• If they smoke or drink
• IF they have any allegies
• Religious or family heritage 
• How many times they have donated, 
• Where they had donated so you know how many of donor children they have and in what proximaty to you. 
• If they want no contact, photographs throughout their childhood or some sort of contact and ensure this is right for your family to and what you want, do not let a donor force you into having contact if you do not want this.

Your rights:

Making sure you and the baby and your partner, if you have one, are protected is the most important thing. When getting a sperm donor at a sperm bank you are completely protected from the sperm bank. However finding a sperm donor yourself and doing home insemination means you are not protected by the legal system. So in order to ensure your rights firstly make sure your donor is genuine and you have spoken to them a lot before settling on them. We found as a couple that the best way to ensure our rights was to get married, this is because you are then completely protected by the law. This is because the person who carries/gives birth will always have parental rights however through private donations, the sperm donor then also have parental rights as the father,  this meant that as Ben's partner I would not have rights over our child. The donor could take us to court to fight custody or recipient could then take donors to court for maintenance  money. Therefore by being married that takes all paternal rights from the donor to pass them on to me as Ben's husband. 

There are some other ways like donor agreements which can be written up and signed by the donor and the recipient to pass the donors rights as father to the recipients partner, however some courts and certain situations, mean they will not hold under the current laws and actually are not reliable. 

Another way is filing for a parenting agreement or the partner adopting the baby after birth which suits some people but it can be a lengthy and risky process in which the donor could then not give up his rights and change his mind about the child in order to obtains his rights as the father. We decided that the best option for us was to get married before conception.

the rights can be seen here:

• the gov website at: https://www.gov.uk/legal-rights-for-egg-and-sperm-donors 
• alternative family law.: http://www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/gay-lesbian/legal-paternity-sperm-donation-lesbians/

This image can be found as a PDF on the link above, it is just a flow diagram showing the pathway in regards to rights. However it is based on a Female same sex relationship but works the same for heterosexual couples and trans couple like me and Ben. 

This is why it is important to get to know your donor first to make sure you know your rights so your protected, and ensure you will have a healthy baby! Good luck to everyone on the path to parent hood. 

Other useful sites for research into donations, rights and how to do home insemiantions is:
https://www.coparents.com/insemination/home-insemination-guide.php

Planning our Family

Planning a family. 

We started looking into ways to have a family, firstly we looked at adoption however at first because we did not have our own place we were told that they will not even start the process until we have a spare bedroom and our own stable place to live. Our local council also told us that most of the children who needed homes are all over 5 and mostly teenagers, Although we would take on a child who needs a home for our first child we really wanted to have a young child to build that bond and having experience as a parent from birth. 

Also when speaking to someone on the phone at the local council after stating we were a trans couple they were very unsure and started to make what we felt as excuses, like oh well you are very young, or you should have life experience first and complete your transition before we would place a child in your care. This is discrimination and as soon as that was said we put the phone down. We decided that the local council was not the way to go. 

We then had a long talk and think about what we wanted and how we could have our family we longed to have. 

We did look into other organisations as well as surrogacy however, it just was not for us. Surrogacy was expensive and risky because of the surrogate having all rights until birth, then we would then have to go through the processes to adopt the child. 

Ben had also wanted his own child but being Trans and having hormones, he thought that it would not be a possibility. However with more trans people now having children and it being in the media, it was something we were able to look more into and got a lot of support. So in August Ben decided to come off hormones to try for a baby.

We spoke to the gender clinic about this, to get there expert advise and support, which Dr Seal was so supportive and offered to help us by seeing Ben as an outpatient at the local hospital. We have close friends who are both trans man and one of them carried their daughter, Although he was not on hormones, he was an inspiration to us and gave us a lot of hope that we could have a baby. They gave us lots of advise and we had been there throughout his pregnancy so, they were both amazing inspiration and great dads. He also blogs so go check his blog out (Papihadababy). 

We started our search for a sperm donor on Facebook sites. Someone Ben knew offered to help us and be a donor, he was young and single and healthy which we took up his offer and where overcome by this kindness. We all sat down to talk about how it would happen, when we were likely to be able to start donors and the rights of the child also that he wanted to have no contact. We were all very happy with this. 

However as time went on and it started to come closer to us being ready to start he distanced himself, he stopped replying to messages and when we saw him about, he would say he was still up for helping but, he works a lot and had some family stuff going on he just did not have much free time. 

Ben had to wait after stopping hormones until his cycles come back and he started to ovulating again, we were told by specialist that it could take up to 6 months, then longer before ovulation was regular to be able to conceive. Therefore we were prepared it would possible take a long time. Then in January Ben got his first Shark week. (Trans term for menstruation) only 5 months after stopping. So we started tracking his ovulation by taking test everyday after his shark week, additionally we kept a track in the diary and on an app called Clue. This help us determined when he was ovulating, 

Because our friend was distant and had a lot going on we decided to look for a new donor online, we had some genuine ones unfortunately, they were busy when we would have needed them, but we also have a lot of donor who were pushing for NI (Natural insemination: sex) which as a couple we do not agree with. We wanted AI (artificial home insemination). We had donors that said they would help but on the day there were meant to met us or a few days before would block us and just not turn up. 

This left us very dishearten and frustrated, we lost hope that we would find a good trusting donor. Lucky we had each other and great friends to support us and keep us going. So we kept on searching and dreaming about our family. 

first we found each other.

First we found each other

It all started on November the 25th 2016, when Ben added Shane on facebook, we were both on a Trans support page on facebook, where we had commended and seen each other however, had never really spoken personally. So when I got this add from Ben, I messaged saying do I know you (at first I did not recognise his profile).  He replied saying well we don't really but I think you are hot. This honestly shocked me and I liked that he was being very forward. So as we got chatting and I looked through his profile I realised he was trans and realised I noticed him from the trans group. We also had a lot of mutual friends. 

The more we talked the more we started to really connect and feel for each other. So we Skyped a few times and arranged to met up. On the 6th of December Ben traveled to Canterbury to stay with me. I was so nervous to met him, as I stood at the coach station I had butterflies in my stomach. I was so nervous, however from the moment he stepped off the coach and we hugged I just knew it as meant to be. We got on so well. That night he watched me sing in my choir's performance then we went clubbing. We shared our first kiss on the way while trying not to let my friends see as they would think it was all very soon. But me and Ben just knew it was right. We both been through so much and connected so that is all that mattered. 

The week we spent together was perfect, when he went back to London I missed him so much, we Skyped all the time. It was not long before we met again as I went to London to see him, more so it was the first time I met his family, they were all lovely which was great as I sat with them all while Ben had work. with the help from Ben's cousin I asked Ben to be my boyfriend on the 16th December by writing him a letter. I was so happy he said yes. He then came to spend few days with me during Christmas and I was at his for new year. So although we lived over 2 hours away we saw each other a lot. 

Some people may say it was to quick but that did not matter. I was falling in love and had never felt this way. Quickly after that Ben got a job in Ashford and moved there. He would stay at mine most of the time. He got me through hard times and through my last year of university without him I do not think I would have done it. In May he had surgery and I finished uni so we moved to London together. We lived with his Nan and granddad. It was lovely actually living together, I had started a job in a special school and everything was going so well. 

Of course there was ups and downs, although we never really argued we fought through everything together and it made us stronger. We also got a kitten together because we wanted our little family, to be able to have company for Ben while I was at work and he was recovering. Hayes was our baby and was very spoiled haha. 

In the summer we went to trans pride together which was an amazing weekend. It was very special because Ben proposed to me on the 23rd July 2017. It was at the pride picnic at the Marlborough pub. He was going to do it on the actually trans pride day however, it rained and was cut short, so he waited to make sure it was perfect, which it was. 

We had always talked about having a family and had lots of different plans on how that would happen, like adopting or one of us carrying. But first we needed a place together, firstly we looked at moving away to Bristol. We had a plan to save for the year and stay at his families until we had enough to move there and got jobs there. However then Ben started working at the same school as me and we were settled there. Also the stress of his family and living in such a small room around all the stress was too much to handle so we started looking for a place in London. 

November 4th we official moved into our own place as a couple. We found a nice 2 bedroom flat in a quiet private estate in Wimbledon. I was so exciting as we got to decorate and make it our home. We got lots of stuff from work and furniture from our families to make it a proper home. Hayes settled in well but got lonely when we were both at work. Therefore we got him a furry friend. We brought Oakley who was so tiny and shy that at first him and Hayes did not get on and we were worried we would not be able to keep him. Lucky they are now the best of friends. It was so lovely watching their bond grow because now they cuddle up together, groom each other and play all the time. It is great having them as well because it makes the house feel more like a family home. 

Mine and Bens relationship also continued to grow and we just wanted a baby so much. having the spare room too made it feel like that is what we were missing. We loved each other so much and wanted a family. This is where our journey to being Daddies began.